DECREASED SEXUAL DESIRE

Sexuality is an important component of health, quality of life and overall well being. It affects the way we relate to ourselves, our partners, and other people in our lives. A healthy attitude about sex provides numerous benefits to the individual. Couples enjoying regular intimacy report less depression and a higher quality of life.

The urge to have sexual pleasure and enjoy romantic love is strong. Sexual desire, or libido, is a complex interaction between the physical and emotional parts of our being, an inner sense or drive that leads people to seek out and participate in sexual behavior. If desire decreases or disappears, an individual may feel unhappy, despairing and defective, and relationships may become strained and shattered.

Decreased sexual desire may be caused by multiple factors including our health, our environment, our behavior and the behavior of those around us, especially our sexual partner. Physical problems such as fatigue, physical pain, and chronic illness can affect sexual desire. Hormone levels must be adequate and in balance for optimum functioning of the sex centers of the brain. Antidepressants, hormones, narcotics and antihypertensive medications interfere with sexual desire, as do recreational drugs and alcohol. Stress, depression and anxiety often decrease desire. Personal history, especially sexual assault and abuse, can be a factor.

Sexual desire is also highly influenced by a person's thoughts, actions and beliefs. Many people equate feelings of sexual passion with love, and they believe that if they lose interest in their partner sexually they must no longer love them. This can be highly confusing. Differences in sexual desire, especially regarding the frequency of sexual contact, can leave one partner feeling wrong or defective and the other feeling rejected and angry. If one partner loses desire, the other might suppress his/her sexual desire. If one partner feels unattractive, anxious or critical of the partner, the sexual relationship may be affected. Decreased sexual interest is often related to a couple's interaction which may include power struggles, anger, resentment, past behavior, feeling unimportant, guilt, worry about pregnancy, worry about performance and lack of open communications regarding each partner's wants and needs.

There is a lot of misinformation about sex in our culture. The idea is promoted that there are certain ways to behave sexually, that individuals should be ready to be sexually active at any given minute, and that if desire doesn't occur spontaneously there must be something wrong. In fact, sexual arousal begins internally, and when one partner is ready the other may just need time to get to the same place. Another cultural myth is that the "other" is responsible for our sexuality. In fact we turn ourselves on by accessing our own desire, bringing positive sexual feelings to awareness. This step is a necessary precursor for readiness for sex. Possibilities can be stymied when partners expect instant availability rather than an invitation to become sexually aroused. Pressure from a partner can be interpreted as a demand that can lead to feelings of intrusion rather than invitation.

What to do:

• If a medical condition or medication may be playing a part, consult with your primary care provider.
• Create a space in your life for passion. Set aside 15 minutes a day to focus on sexuality-read a book, talk with a friend, buy something sexy-whatever you need to get in touch with your own sexuality.
• Make sex a priority in your relationship. Again, set aside time to touch, share a bedtime story or fantasy, maybe even plan a sexual encounter rather than waiting for it to happen.
• Get informed. Read books such as For Yourself by Lonnie Barbach or Clearing Roadblocks to Sexual Intimacy by Karen Johnson. (see below for addition reading)
• Seek counseling, individual or couple, to discuss the difficulties with an informed professional.

Remember:

• Desire doesn't have to decline or die because of busy schedules, kids or years of togetherness.
• It is normal for different people to have differences in their desire for sex.
• Desire ebbs and flows.
• A good sexual relationship is a product of commitment and intention. It doesn't just happen.

Suggestions for Additional Reading:

Our Bodies, Ourselves -Lonnie Barbach

Erotic Edge: Erotica for Couples -Lonnie Barbach

Love Skills: More Fun Than You've Ever Had with Sex, Intimacy and Communication -L. DeVillers

Loving with Passion: Your Guide to the Joy of Sexual Intimacy -D. Etkes

Hot Monogamy -Pat Love

Sex for Dummies -Ruth Westheimer

How to Make Love to the Same Person for the Rest of Your Life and Still Love It -Dagmar O'Connor

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