Sarah

(later draft)

I received the tragic phone call on February 16, 1996. I remember it like it was yesterday. My stomach grew weak at the sound of Mrs. Clark=s trembling voice, and my knees felt like rubber as I dropped to the soft blue carpet of my bedroom floor. I began sobbing uncontrollably at the heartbreaking news that I was hearing. My friend Sarah had been found covered in blood, her wrists slit.

I hung up the phone with Mrs. Clark and continued to cry. I felt like I was crying for hours, lying there on my floor, but my body was not functioning. The pain was unbearable. I was weak and numb from the shocking news. Finally, my eyes became dry. I had no more tears inside to shed. Thoughts of my close friend Sarah and our five years of friendship started rolling through my mind like a thunderstorm.

I met Sarah in the seventh grade. I began to laugh as I remembered the first day I met Sarah. I wasn=t paying too much attention to my surroundings as I concentrated on my class schedule while walking through the halls of Woodbury Junior High. All of a sudden, I ran into someone. We hit pretty hard and fell to the ground. Our books went flying. It was a mess. The sounds of laughter filled the air, as the students around us pointed fingers and stared. I was completely embarrassed as I looked up at the unfamiliar face of a girl sitting on the ground next to me. We both started to giggle and helped each other up. I introduced myself and apologized for being so clumsy.

I ended up having Sarah in a couple of my classes. We sat next to each other and talked throughout the day. I discovered that Sarah was from Rochester, Indiana and new to Las Vegas. I invited Sarah to eat lunch with some of my friends. My friends welcomed her bright, friendly, personality and Sarah was easily accepted into our group. This was the beginning of a great friendship that Sarah shared with many people.

Thoughts of Sarah continued to control my mind, and questions started to form. She was one of my best friends; why didn=t I notice that she was in trouble? I searched for answers and signs that she was in pain. I began to recognize the cries for help that Sarah had been sending out, now that she was gone.

We spent most of our afternoons in high school participating in athletics. Sarah excelled at any sport that she played, but she had a passion for volleyball. Her intensity on the court and her enthusiasm off it helped pull our team together when we were down.. She was also great at track. We both hated the running involved but loved the competition. I remember when Sarah broke her ankle during our junior year at the beginning of the season. She was out for six weeks and upset that she was unable to compete. When she was finally healed and able to run again, she was out of shape and lost her spot on our relay team. Sarah was devastated but optimistic that next year she would be back, better than ever.

Straight As during high school was something Sarah worked hard to achieve. When she received her first B in geometry, she appeared to be extremely upset. Shelly, one of our friends, recalls the time that Sarah had gotten into an argument with her parents. Shelly said, ASarah came over to my house to spend the night. She told me that her parents had grounded her for receiving a B, saying that Sarah was letting her grades slip. She said that she couldn=t handle the pressure anymore and was sick of living up to everyone=s high expectations.@ Shelly comforted her by saying, AOne grade doesn=t make a difference; you can still graduate with honors.@ According to Depression and Suicide Among Children and Adolescents by Philip Patros and Tonia Shamoo, AStatements of extreme frustration and concern signal a loss of hope with possibly no where to turn to except suicide@ (92). Maybe this was a sign that should have been recognized.

Sarah also had a busy schedule. Not only did she participate in athletics, but she was also a member of the Key Club and student council. I often wondered where she found the time to be so involved. I called Sarah one night to go to the movies with a bunch of friends, but she was working on a project for Key Club and could not go. She sounded depressed and told me AI am so stressed out; I don=t know what to do anymore. I hate my life!@ I thought that she was joking and did not take her seriously. As stated by Eleanor Ayer in her book Teen Suicide Is It Too Painful to Grow Up, AMany troubled teenagers see death as an attractive alternative to stress@ (23). I now realize that this was another signal that Sarah was contemplating suicide.

Sarah had a steady boyfriend throughout high school named John. Of course, we had our late-night Aguy-talks@ about our boyfriends. Towards the end, Sarah and John argued constantly and broke up. This was a big loss for Sarah. John was her first love , and I know that it was hard for her to deal with, especially after everything that they had been through.

There was a big secret that Sarah kept hidden deep inside from many people. She never even told her parents that she had gotten pregnant by John. It happened over the summer before our junior year. Sara was scared and confused. She was afraid that it would bring shame and humiliation to her family. There was no other choice for her except abortion. Only a few of Sarah=s close friends knew about her abortion, including me. We were there for her and supported her decision. She had her whole future to consider and her parent=s expectations to live up to. The end to her long relationship was not the main reason for her suicide but definitely one of many factors.

I began to notice more and more changes in Sarah about a month prior to her suicide. She had stopped caring about her appearance. She would show up to school in jeans and a T-shirt instead of her usual trendy fashions. We often borrowed each other=s clothing. I remember asking to borrow one of Sarah=s favorite sweaters that she rarely leant out. I decided to take the chance, even though it seemed pretty slim. Instead of saying no, she told me to keep it, because she no longer wanted it. I was shocked at Sarah=s decision and refused the offer, but she insisted that I keep the sweater. Could this have been another sign of trouble? Ayer states, AWhen people give away the things that mean the most to them, they may be putting their lives in final order, getting ready for the end@ (32).

Sarah was not much of a partier. She loved being in shape and eating healthy. It really surprised everyone when Sarah started going to a lot of high school parties and drinking alcohol. It seemed like she wanted to get drunk almost every weekend. Ayer adds, AIncreased use of drugs and alcohol can be a major warning sign of severe depression and possible suicide@ (32).

The warning signs seem so obvious, now that Sarah is no longer with us and it is too late to help her. Why did these changes in Sarah go unnoticed? Suicide and the Schools written by Patrick McKee states that ARecognizing when a youth is at risk for suicide is difficult because many of the symptoms appear to be common among teenager behavior@ (91). If Sarah=s cries for help were common, why didn=t the people who cared deal with reality? Were we too scared?

Writing this paper about Sarah=s suicide was extremely difficult for me. It forced me to open up and face the pain in order to tell her story. I realized that there was an enormous amount of anger built up inside of me that I needed to release. I was mad at Sarah for being so selfish and not thinking about the people who cared for her that she hurt, but she was the one who was hurting. I blamed her parents for not recognizing the seriousness of her situation, John for getting her pregnant, her friends for not being there when she needed help, and myself for pretending that everything was okay. I know now that no one was to blame. I can only move on from here by learning that life is precious, and it can not be taken for granted.

It was also frustrating writing this essay because I had to tell about the Sarah that I refused to recognize. All the negative factors that led to her suicide are difficult memories to relive. I will never forget Sarah=s perfect smile, her beautiful blonde hair, or her enormous blue eyes. We shared many unforgettable memories, and I would like to end this essay with a tribute to Sarah, by sharing a few of them. There was the time that a group of us dressed up in 80's clothing and sang AGirls Just Want to Have Fun@ by Cindy Lauper in our school lip sync. Or the time that Sarah threw up in Zoology class, because we had to dissect fetal pigs. My favorite memory of Sarah, which is also one of the most embarrassing, is when we first met. We were in the halls of Woodbury Junior High, sitting on the ground, laughing at how clumsy I was, back in the seventh grade.

Works Cited

Ayer, Eleanor. Teen Suicide Is It Too Painful to Grow Up?. New York: Blackbirch Graphics, Inc., 1993.

McKee, Patrick.. Suicide and The Schools. Pennsylvania: LRP Publications, 1993.

Patros, Philip, and Tonia Shamoo, Depression and Suicide in Children and Adolescents. Massechusetts: Allyn and Bacon, Inc., 1989.